12 Ways To Go Insane
by Super Shayde
Summary: When Lily's mother suggests that she invite James Potter, Sirius Black, various other people, her friends, her sister Petunia's atrocious boyfriend and some of their friends for a few weeks of the summer holidays, chaos ensues. Full Summary Inside.
1. French Toast and a Mother's Proposal

**12 Ways To Go Insane**

_Full Summary_: Lily's always yelling at James, whose gone nuts trying to get her to like him. Sirius is his usual crazy self. Alice and Dorcas have gone nuts from all the fighting. Petunia and Vernon are crazy, as are their friends. And well…what can you expect from a werewolf and a later-traitor? 12 Ways To Go Insane shows how all of these characters get through – or don't – the insanity that circles them all, whether it be the dilemma of Lily and James or the war of the Wizarding World.

_Disclaimer:_ Don't sue me! The poptarts made me kidnap them, I promise!

_A/Nz:_ We, Super Shayde and eRiiCa (not my pen name), would like to formally welcome you to a whole new evolution of L/J fanfiction. Because, we aren't going to have clichés, or at least we won't have many. We're trying to avoid them. Enjoy. ON, ON WITH THE STORY WE SAY!!

((eRiiCa: Here plot bunny! Come here! ::catches plot bunny:: Hehehe, you'll be of much use later!))

Chapter 1- French Toast and a Mother's Proposal

--**Lily—**

The smell of food cooking down the hall and through the third door on the right was most definitely enough to call Lily Evans from her room, regardless of the fact that she had been half asleep.

Still rather tired, she yawned and made her way to the kitchen, eyes half-closed but still determined to get her across the house without bashing into a wall.

She stepped into the room and said, "Mornin' mum." in a sleepy voice. Her mother turned and gestured happily towards the table saying, "I made your favorite, french toast."

Petunia made a small grunt of acknowledgement as Lily sat down. Her mother placed two warm pieces of french toast onto her blue plate, and Lily found herself hesistating from her meal for a moment to let the scent of the cinnamon and sugar dustings waft into her nostrils.

"How is Vernon, Pet?" their mother asked conversationally, making breakfast for herself.

"He's good," Petunia answered, suddenly brightening, "He got a very prestigious job from the drill company!"

"Congratulations," Lily yawned, biting into another neatly cut piece of toast.

"And how are your friends, Lily? You should invite them over for the break!" Mrs. Evans suggested, taking a seat herself, "They've only visited a few times…"

Petunia groaned miserably and said, "Do they have to? Her friends are so abnormal!"

Lily rolled her eyes at Petunia's comment before saying airily, "If you want to talk about abnormal people than I think you should take a closer look at Vernon."

Her mother interrupted what was about to become a heated argument by saying, "Well, how about Alice and Dorcas? And perhaps that nice James fellow that sends you letters everyday!"

"NO! NOT. POTTER. I AM NOT. INVITING. JAMES POTTER. TO OUR HOUSE. NO! NO! NO! NOT HAPPENING! DON'T EVEN SUGGEST SUCH TORTURE!" screamed Lily, still recovering from the gagging reflex that had come into play at her mother's suggestion.

"I thought I already had suggested it, Lily," her mother sighed, "But he does seem to want to be friends with you, after all."

"Friends?" Lily repeated, glad she wasn't about to digest anything at the time, "James Potter is the most arrogant, moronic toerag I have ever met in my life! Along with that Sirius Black, of course!"

"Well, yes," her mother mumbled, "If you say so, but I think you're being too harsh to some people!"

"You don't know James Potter," Lily said darkly from behind her eggs.

"And you don't know Vernon!" Petunia retorted, "Saying he's abnormal!" she sniffed, "Why, he's the most normal man I've ever known! Not like your friends, who are always gushing over the toaster!"

Her mother shook her head at the two bickering girls and said, "I have an idea on how you can both prove each other wrong."

Both girls' attention abruptly turned to their mother. Smiling gently, Mrs. Evans said, "We'll invite Lily's friends and this 'James' boy. Oh, and his friends too. And we'll invite Petunia's friends along with Vernon and his friends."

Both girls dropped their mouths in horror and they began spouting off noisy and quite incomprehensible sentences.

"And I," their mother added, "Will not take 'no' for an answer. Its simply the only way you two can learn to connect!"

"Mum!" Petunia cried, her fork clattering to the table with a clang, "I'll be embarrassed forever! You can't do this to me!"

"Nor me!" Lily added, "I refuse to do this! James is enough torture, but forcing my friends to interact with him? And make them go face to face with Petunia's horrible minions as well?"

"Girls," their mother said sharply, "If you refuse, I will ground you two from all forms of communication from your friends for all breaks this year! You simply need to learn to get along!"

"Fine," Petunia gave in tensely, "But my life shall be scarred! I'm sure that's going to make you all happy!"

"Your life is not scarred, Pet!" their mother cried exasperately, "This could the making of new friendships!"

"Yeah, right," Petunia snorted, sloshing around the maple syrup on her french toast.

Her mother looked at her reproachfully and said, "Well, that's not a good attitude to have!"

However, Lily, who had just opened her mouth to reply, quickly shut it as an owl flew in delivering what she called, 'Letters Of Death'.

She laughed joyously as the owl dropped the letter unceremoniously onto Petunia's head, causing Petunia to let out a loud shriek of terror.

"You know what," she said to the owl, "Stay. I think I'm actually going to read this letter, just because you dropped it on her head."

The owl hooted happily, and made it's way to the sink, where it attempted to drink the little drops of water in it.

She took the letter and had it snatched out of her hands. Petunia scowled at her and said irritably, "Let's see what your lover-boy has to say."

As soon as Petunia opened the letter, it burst into song. Worst of all, it was James Potter's voice.

"I call this Ode to Lily," his voice announced, the letter curling open upon the table. Lily stared at the letter, dumbfounded.

"_Your hair is like a Fwoopers feathers  
You'd live best in a home by Scottish heathers  
You're really good at Charms, and I don't mean like Sirius  
You make me really delirious  
I'd give up my broom for you  
I think of you all the time, even in the loo  
Your eyes are like two emeralds  
I'd even love you if you were completely bald  
Your skin's so light and creamy  
When I see you I get dreamy  
I love you even though you seem to hate me  
I bet if you were a dragon, you would've ate me  
But I don't care  
I'll always be there  
To stick toffee in your hair_!" it screeched.

"Does he do this often?" their mother asked uncertainly, covering her ears as it replayed the song.

"NO!" Lily screamed, feeling as if she could sink into the boards of the floor.

"Nice singing voice," Petunia sneered, covering her own ears, "I can't wait to hear the wonderfully deep love ballad he sings you tomorrow."

"Shut up," Lily muttered, grabbing the letter, "At least he can sing without sounding like a wounded walrus, unlike a certain boyfriend I could mention!"

"I suppose your little lover-boy sounds like a wounded whale, then?" Petunia screamed over the singing.

Lily tore the letter in half. The eloquently written letters glowed, but the singing did not cease.

In fact, to her utter horror, both sides began singing, increasing in volume.

"Oh god," their mother moaned, "Lily!"

"Its not my fault!" Lily screamed, grabbing a piece and tearing it again angrily.

"Make it stop, you moron!" Petunia screeched.

Lily stuffed the pieces under the fruit bowl on the table, and the sound abruptly ceased.

"That berk!" Lily screamed, "What if it had arrived while I was in the bathroom or something of the sort! Would I really have to decided to run to the kitchen and stick it under the stupid fruit bowl?!"

"I'm done with my breakfast," Petunia said smugly, rising from the table and depositing her dishes in the sink, "I'm off to meet Kathryn!" she sang.

"UGH! POTTER'S VOICE IS BETTER THAN YOURS!" Lily yelled as an elegant parting response.

Her mother chuckled lightly and said, "Well dear, you have excellent taste in musical talent."

Lily scowled and said, "Ha. Ha. SOO funny. You know, it's really not my fault that Potter is going through puberty and decided to send me a dumb song."

Her mother shook her head jokingly and said, "Well, sorry dear. But now I'm just more interested in meeting him. And that Sirius fellow too. Oh, and by the way, your father walked in as you said the word puberty. However, I guess he didn't want to know because he walked right back out."

Lily excused herself from the table and wrote out four different notes to her two friends, Potter, and Black.

Deciding to get the worst over with first, she picked up a quill and began to write.

_Potter-_

_Before you get all misty-eyed over the fact I'm writing to you, get these things into your head._

_You are NOT a good singer._

_What I'm about to say is NOT my idea._

_I do NOT enjoy writing to you._

_Anyway, my mum found your song amusing and decided that she wants to meet you. So, I'm being forced to invite you and Black over. I'm also inviting Alice and Dorcas. Oh, and it's my absolute pleasure to mention that you will be forced to spend time with my sister, her two dumb minions, her atrocious boyfriend, and a friend of his. So, I do hope you'll enjoy them EVER so much. Send me an owl not a singing one either about whether you can come._

_-Unfortunately,_

_Lily Evans._

Tying it to James' owl, she gave it an affectionate ruffle of its feathers before she allowed it to fly off. "At least his owl isn't an idiot," she found herself muttering, before starting on Black's letter, obviously the second hardest to write.

_Dear Sirius,_

_How are you? I hope you're doing well. NOT. I am, most unfortunately, required to invite you to my home, along with your absolutely delightful comrade Potter, by instruction of my mother. As well, Dorcas and Alice will be there, and, thankfully to give you a taste of your own medicine, my kind, generous sister and her even nicer friends, in addition to her wonderful, selfless boyfriend and his positively charming compatriots. If you believed a word of that, I pity your intelligence, Black._

_-Lily Evans._

Lily smiled and folded the letter, putting it on the table in a nonchalant manner. Grabbing some more parchment, she began writing slightly more desirable letters to her two best friends.

_Alice,_

_I'm dead. And I've gone to hell. Must have been that time I yelled at a first year for giggling before our end-of-year exams. My mum is making me invite Potter and Black to my house. Of course, needless to say, you and Dorcas are invited. But honestly. Today, Potter sent me this odd song thing he called 'Ode to Lily'. Is that stalker material yet? Because I'd really love to go to the Wizengamot and get a restraining order or something. Do you know what I had to do to shut that thing up? I bet your thinking something like 'Rip it in half twice and stick it under a fruit bowl. Right?' 'Cause that's exactly what I had to do! Oh, and you better come._

_I don't want to be stuck in a room with Potter and Black without support._

_Kathryn and Eileen are coming, along with Vernon and one of his friends._

_If someone thinks I'm staying in that house without you and Dorcas, they're mad._

_Please say you'll come!_

_Your Pleading And In So Much Need Of Help Friend,_

_Lily _

She folded this letter, much more neatly than she had folded the previous two, and set it as far away as possible from Black's letter, as if the words would be polluted.

Sighing heavily, she started her last letter.

_Dorcas,_

_I desperately need help. Hell is practically about to knock on my door. Potter, Black, Kathryn, Eileen, and Vernon and a friend of his are coming, by my mother's orders! She wanted me to invite you and Alice too – like I wouldn't! – and you better come, or I'm seriously going to sucked into a world of misery while they're there. Can you believe what Potter did to me today? He sent me a singing letter. I won't go into detail on the song's words(too atrocious to be written down on my own parchment) but he called it 'Ode to Lily'. Charming. I really want to go out with him now, wouldn't you? The sound of his beautiful voice awoke my heart. That was sarcasm, Dorcas, by the way, but I am seriously hoping you knew that. And don't you dare show this to Potter – STOP telling me I like him, I DON'T – because sarcasm may not go past his thick skull._

_Please come._

_PLEASE._

_Your Friend Who Is Practically Getting On Her Knees And Pleading,_

_Lily _

"Finally," Lily sighed, gathering up the letters and going into her room.

Her owl sat on the windowsill, looking at her almost expectantly as she entered.

She tied the three scrolls to the owl's leg and said, "One to Dorcas, one to Alice, and one to Sirius Black."

Her owl looked almost surprised to hear a name not often spoken unless in contempt.

However, she hooted dolefully and soared out the window, leaving Lily to watch with only the light wind to throw some hair into her face.

"My mum," she said to herself, "Is insane."

A/N 2: SOOOOOOO! Wutcha think? Oh wait. YOU HAVE TO REVIEW TO TELL US. So review. Review we say!

eR ii Ca: Hehehe, Mr. Plot Bunny has began to show himself! :goes on bragging about how SHE caught the plot bunny herself:

Super Shayde: ::scowls:: I MADE THE ODE TO LILY!! I MADE IT I SAY!!

Wellllll…..review, or you'll be forced to listen to more of our speeches. Or worse! WE'LL HAVE JAMES SING TO YOU!!!

James: I Call This One….REVIEW.

_If you want me to shut up,_

_You know what to do._

_You people who are reading,_

_REVIEW, REVIEW!_

Well, that's enough of that for now. But he will sing more. So review. Or else.

Super Shayde: For your information, people, we wrote this together in a very..eloquent..design ::cough:: But some chapters may be written by only me or only eR ii Ca! Moofwafwafwafwafwa.

-- eR ii Ca && SUPAAAHHH SHAYDE !

P.S. ::opera style:: REVIEW, I SAY, REVIEW!!!


	2. Shakespeare and Water Guns

**12 Ways To Go Insane**

_Disclaimer:_ I do own these people! I DOOOOOOO….no I don't.

_Summary:_ Blah blah smargy woo! See first chap.

**A/Nz:** eR ii Ca: hEyYy !! Wed like to take this time ::drawls on endlessly with formality:: to thank SilverHawk 27 and Pisces Chick for being our first reviewers!!! Hehehe, you have now become part of the 'We Love You' group. ::smothers reader(s) with cookies and puppies cuz I'm so nice like that::

**Super Shayde:** Fine, the poptarts'll lay off on you..FOR NOW!

**eR ii Ca:** Oh, and James won't sing to you….YET. mufwafwafwafwafwafwafwa…

…fwa.

Chapter 2- Shakespeare and Water Guns

--Sirius—

"Hey, Prongs!" Sirius Black called to his friend in amazement, "It's a sign of the Apocalypse!"

"I know, isn't it amazing? People send letters!" James snorted, flipping through a book of Quidditch tactics.

"Its from Evans, you idiot." Sirius scowled.

James, who had been laying stomach-down on his bed, dropped the book on the floor and rolled off the bed, crashing to the floor in what seemed a quite painful manner.

"B-bu-BUT WHY DID SHE WRITE TO YOU??" James yelled, horrified. "Why not me!? I sent her the song-o-gram!"

"Um, mate? Maybe that's why she didn't write to you." Sirius suggested airily, not paying much attention to the large scowl on James' face.

"So she writes to you – why?" James demanded.

"Who wouldn't want to write to me?" Sirius asked, quite seriously, as he tore open the letter.

He scanned it quickly, his eyes widening in surprise as a prank came into his head.

He tried to look nonplussed. "She wants to invite me over for the rest of the hols." Sirius said, watching the color drain from James' face in a quite amused manner.

"You berk," James said rather shakily, "You're lying."

"No," Sirius said breezily, "No, not a joke."

"Read it," James grunted.

"_Dear Sirius,_

_How are you? I hope you're doing well. I am, most fortunately, allowed to invite you to my home! As well, Dorcas and Alice will be there, and my kind, generous sister and her even nicer friends, in addition to her wonderful, selfless boyfriend and his positively charming compatriots. You're the most intelligent person I have ever known!_

_-Lily Evans." _Sirius read – or, more correctly, made up what he was reading – smugly.

James was shaking. "You're – you're lying!"

"Well, okay. She didn't write that intelligent thing. But she really did invite me over." He said.

James looked ready to kill, however, he was interrupted by none other than his own owl, which had gone to deliver the song-o-gram earlier that day.

The owl swooped in and dropped a letter on his head. James grabbed the sealed envelope and said mystically, "She ACTUALLY replied this time." Then aquired a dreamy face and went silent, just staring at it.

"Yes James," Sirius snorted, "Her beautiful, eloquent, insulting words have touched your scalp. You may die happy now."

"I must read it!" James cried, jumping up, "Who knows what kind of beautiful insult is enclosed in this paper container?"

"Not I," Sirius snickered.

"Shut it," James growled, tearing the envelope open but careful not to rip the letter.

_Potter-_

_Before you get all misty-eyed over the fact I'm writing to you, get these things into your head._

_You are NOT a good singer._

_What I'm about to say is NOT my idea._

_I do NOT enjoy writing to you._

_Anyway, my mum found your song amusing and decided that she wants to meet you. So, I'm being forced to invite you and Black over. I'm also inviting Alice and Dorcas. Oh, and it's my absolute pleasure to mention that you will be forced to spend time with my sister, her two dumb minions, her atrocious boyfriend, and a friend of his. So, I do hope you'll enjoy them EVER so much. Send me an owl not a singing one either about whether you can come._

_-Unfortunately,_

_Lily Evans._

"She liked the singing!" James cried, "She wants more!"

"James," started Sirius, "I know you're my best mate, and that my loyalty should lay to you, but I'm saving the poor girl. SHE DOESN'T WANT MORE SINGING LETTERS!" he said.

When that did not seem to go through, he said, "But James! If you send another one…she might get upset and never write to you again!"

This seemed to hit home, and he said, "Fine. No singing letters." Before sulking.

Sirius dove over James' shoulder to read the letter. "Her _mum_ wants you to sing."

At this, James snatched Sirius' letter from his hands and read it.

"HEY!! SHE SAID I WAS INVITED TOO IN YOUR LETTER YOU LIAR!" he shouted angrily, quite relieved that Sirius' version of the letter was fake.

Sirius just looked at him. "Your point?" he asked quizzically after a minute.

James shrugged and said, "Wanna go downstairs and get some food?" Sirius nodded and they walked out of the room, Sirius' letter laying forgotten on the bed, and James, still holding it.

((A/n: eR ii Ca: Isn't he so lovesick? ))

"So, mate…" Sirius started, "Are you going to go? Good opportunity for pranking…"

"And there's going to be Lily," James added in an urgent tone.

"Yes, dear Lils too," Sirius muttered, smirking. "As well as that sister of hers, seems a right pain."

"Lily does not deserve such a sibling," James sighed.

"Okay. WHAT. IS WITH. THE SHAKESPEARE?" Sirius yelled.

"Um, what's a Snakepear?" James asked stupidly.

"Muggle author from a couple hundred years ago or something. I read about him once to piss off Bellatrix." Sirius replied, shrugging, then re-enacted a scene. He mimicked in a squeaky voice, "Oh, James, James, where for art thou James?"

"…Next to you," James said, puzzled.

"Oh, whatever. Talk about it with Remus or something if you really care," Sirius snorted.

But at the smell of Mrs. Potter's food in the kitchen, and her call of, "Lunch!", the two boys rushed the rest of the way downstairs and practically tackled each other to get into their seats.

--Lily—

Lily sighed and moved from her spot at the window, still praying furiously that neither James nor Sirius could make it.

'Wouldn't that be lovely?' she thought as she made her way to her closet to get some clothes.

Grabbing a dark green camisole and a pair of shorts, she ran to the bathroom to get changed.

She grabbed a brush and ran it through her thick, dark red hair, trying to hurry so that she could go see some of her muggle friends from down the street.

She applied the minimum amount of make-up, brushed her teeth, threw on some shoes and practically ran out the door, shouting to her mother that she was going to see Daniel, Linda, Elise and Hunter.

She slowed to a walk when she got outside, although it was a rather quick pace.

Reaching the destination, she went up to the door and knocked loudly. A rather short girl with light brown hair opened and Lily yelled, "ELISE!" happily before embracing the girl heartily.

Elise smiled widely and said, "Hold on, I'll go get Hunter, then we can pick up everyone else!"

Lily nodded and waited for about two minutes before a sort of tall boy ran out the door and embraced her. She laughed and said, "Hunter, get off before I choke!"

He let go of her and said, "Good! Maybe if you choke, they won't send you back to that boarding school and we can all see you during times OTHER than Summer!"

She shook her head and smiled again, saying happily, "Let's go get Dan and Linda."

They nodded and the three walked across the street, going to Number 27 and knocking on the door.

Linda's mother opened the door and said, "Lily! Linda's missed you so much, oh hold on, I'll go get her."

"LINDA!" her mother called up the staircase. "LILY, ELISE, AND HUNTER ARE HERE!"

There was a shriek, followed by a crash, some pounding footsteps, and then the 14-year-old black-haired girl appeared, jumping down the staircase as though she were in an Indiana Jones movie.

She nearly tackled Lily to the ground in an embrace and when they finally released each other from their Vulcan-Death-Grip hugs, both were quite out of breath.

"Lily..I…" Linda gasped, barely able to breathe for a few minutes before continuing, "I missed you!"

"Me too," Lily said, grinning at the exuberant girl.

"Are we off to Dan's then?" Elise asked, smiling.

"But he's annoying," Linda pouted.

"You know he grows on you," Hunter replied.

"Does not!" Linda argued.

Lily couldn't help snickering at the two's argument as they rushed down the street. Strangely, the door opened before the bell was rung.

A boy with dusty brown hair opened the door himself and grinned before spraying everybody but Lily with his enormous watergun.

"You moron!" Elise screamed.

Hunter was laughing, though he sounded slightly irritated when he said, "How come you didn't shoot Lily?"

He shrugged before saying, "Welcome Home Gift?" rather airily.

Linda shrieked. "This is my new shirt!" she screamed, running up the little stairs to his door and practically tackling him down, though not completely affectionately.

"HEY!" Daniel cried as she started punching him half-heartedly.

"I – hate – you – so – much!" Linda shrieked, finally laying off of him before enveloping him in a death grip like with Lily.

"OW! This hurts more than your stupid punching!" Daniel grumbled.

Lily decided to change the subject and said, "By the way, some of my friends from boarding school are coming here. Tomorrow."

They all turned to look at her, shocked.

Hunter recovered first and said, "Oooh! So I get to meet your boyfriend?" in that annoying manner only friends can use.

She rolled her eyes and said, "No. 'Cause I don't have one. You get to meet two of my friends and my two mortal enemies."

The four muggles looked at each other oddly and said, "Um, why are you inviting your 'mortal enemies' to stay at your house?"

"Long story," she replied, "It was my mum's idea."

They all nodded pityingly, and Hunter said, "So, I get to meet your future boyfriend?"

A/N 2:

eR ii Ca: Don't you just love our characters to death!? P

Super Shayde: Tell what you think! REVIEW, REVIEW!! Plus, Hunter does NOT like Lily for future information. Tooooo cliched!!


	3. Freak And Her Two Freaky Friends

**12 Ways To Go Insane**

_Disclaimer: _No, we don't own anything – especially James' big, fat head.

_Summary:_ Available in chapter 1 for only $19.95!

**A/Ns: eRiiCa:** guess who's back.. back again.. SUPER SHAYDE. Hahah. And me. And my hyperactivity. And my newly-dyed-orange plot bunny.

**Super Shayde:** Yes. We are back, finally, after prolonged kidnapping by EVIL POPTARTS. (Evil Poptarts: No, that's just what they want you to think. DON'T BELIEVE! DON'T BELIEVE!) …Yes. We are back with our oh-so-genius tendencies.

Chapter 3- Freak and Her Freaky Friends

-James-

"YES, YES, YES!" James cried triumphantly as he slapped his hand down on the buzzing alarm clock.

"TODAY IS THE DAY, SIRIUS! TODAY IS THE DAY I GO TO LILY'S HOME. HURRAY!"

"James," said Sirius, pushing his head off the pillow, "I don't know how to say this but: SHUT UP."

"Sirius," James continued, apparently not having heard a word his friend had said, "Today…today is the day! Today is the day I have been waiting for since the day I was born! Yes…yes, yes, this is the day. The Day, Sirius. The Day capitalized! It is that important! Forget about Christmas and Halloween, this is the DAY I SEE LILY!"

"Mate, you see Lily EVERYDAY from September 1st until the end of June.. how many Days are there?"

"This.. This is DIFFERENT. She actually… INVITED ME to her HOME. Maybe… I can find out more about her and start that Lily Shrine I always wanted."

((ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS, LILY SHRINES ARE AVAILABLE IN AISLE 9, ON THE THIRD SHELF TO THE RIGHT…))

"Or maybe you could go to St. Mungo's?" suggested Sirius.

"Maybe," James said dreamily, not paying attention. "Just maybe. So many possibilities, Sirius! What do I do?"

"I already told you… SHUT UP."

-Lily-

"NO, NO, NO!" Lily and Petunia Evans shrieked simultaneously.

"Girls!" Mrs. Evans chided, "The guests are coming soon. Stop acting like you're off your hinges!"

"Off my hinges?" Petunia demanded, "OFF MY HINGES? MOTHER, I AM BEYOND MY HINGES! I AM OFF THE DOOR!"

"I am dying," Lily said, "Or I soon will begin to. I'M ALL THE WAY ONTO THE BACKYARD!"

"WELL, GUESS WHAT?" Petunia yelled, "IF YOU'RE OFF ONTO THE BACKYARD, THEN I'M ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!"

"I need a vacation," Mrs. Evans muttered, pressing a hand to her forehead.

The doorbell rang.

"Oh, I hope its Vernon!" cried Petunia.

"Yes, please, let it be Vernon!" agreed Lily.

It was James Potter. And as he waited outside and listened to the bell ring, he whispered to Sirius, "It's like the music of Orpheus."

"It's like a doorbell." Said Sirius sarcastically.

Just then, a tall woman with a horse-shaped face and blonde hair opened the door. "VERNON!" she cried.

However, on seeing that it was the 'two freaks', she dropped the enthusiasm. "Oh. It's you."

"LILY, YOU LOOK… SO DIFFERENT!" cried James.

"I'm not that freak!" cried Petunia angrily, "I'm Petunia.. the NORMAL one."

"Oh," said James, losing interest.

"FREAK! TWO OF YOUR FREAKY FRIENDS ARE HERE," Screeched Petunia.

Lily ran downstairs, expecting Alice and Dorcas, but her momentum came to a screeching halt when she saw the two boys.

"HOW DARE YOU BE EARLY!" Lily screamed angrily.

"I wasn't the one who wanted to get up at the arse-crack of dawn!" Sirius argued.

"I was," James put in, staring at Lily's hair absent-mindedly.

"I think I knew that by now," Lily said.

Unknown to the two boys, a girl had walked up behind them, trying to see what the commotion was about. However, Lily noticed her mid-rant and paused.

Charging at the two boys with her arms open, James fully expected Lily to hug him, so when she kept going and wrapped a girl into an insane hug instead, he was quite put out.

Another girl and a boy came up next, and James scowled notably. "Who are they?" he asked Sirius irritably.

"Friends?"

"Shut up."

"Hey hey Elise and Hunter!" said Lily, sounding extremely odd to both James and Sirius.

(Perhaps because she sounded HAPPY within a range of four-feet from them?)

-James-

The two newcomers both hugged her and James' scowl grew more pronounced.

"Who are they?" James demanded again.

"Ever heard of friends? Or Muggles?" Sirius repeated.

"But they're hogging Lily," James whined, "And one of them's a _boy_!"

"No offense Prongs," Sirius said, "But so are you."

"B-b-but.. she can't hug other boys!"

"What do you mean 'other'?" Sirius started, "She's never hugged you."

"She will, Sirius," James said decisively, "She will…eventually."

"Yes, with druggery and blackmail." Sirius agreed.

"I hate you. Do you know that?"

"The question is… do I care?"

"Probably not."

"Well there's your answer."

"Hurrumph. I wanna know more about LILY!" James whined.

"So go sneak into her room and sniff the bedsheets, or whatever it is stalkers like you do."

"I resent that. On behalf of the Stalker Federation I would like to point out that we sniff the PILLOW. Not the bedsheets. Honestly, where do you get this junk Sirius?"

"Oh, of course it's the pillow! Silly me! Besides, you COULD just ask one of her friends or something…"

"That's BRILLIANT Sirius!" James exclaimed. And with that, he turned around and walked towards everyone else.

-Hunter-

That tall kid with the dark hair was walking over, and Lily was frowning.

"Who _is_ that, Lils?" he asked curiously.

"A nightmare in human form."

"Your boyfriend then?"

"Um, NO!" Lily hissed, and stalked off, making sure to shove Potter on the way back to the house.

The dark haired kid reached Hunter by then.

"Hi, I'm James."

"Hunter," He replied in way of greeting.

"So, I'm running a random survey, would you like to participate?"

"No, not really."

"I'll give you 50 ga-pounds."

"Ga-pounds?"

"You know what I mean," scowled James.

"Fine. Ask."

"What is Lily's… middle name?"

"Iris." He lied smoothly.

"**L**ily **I**ris **E**vans… interesting. Anyhow, what is her… favorite color?"

"Olive."

"Ok… um, uh… What is Lily's favorite Quidditch team?"

Now Hunter was confused. "Her favorite… what?"

"Football."

"Ooooooookaayyyyyy. I have no idea."

"You suck. Does Lily eat… _mashed potatoes_?"

"Yes… but only with ketchup, relish, and chocolate sauce."

Sirius, who had just walked over in time for the toppings of choice, piped up, "Well you lost me until the chocolate sauce."

"Well," said James hastily, "I think that's enough for now. Thank you for your time, and here is your money."

He handed Hunter the money and practically ran away.

"Well," said Hunter impassively, "I believe we need to be doing something about that."

A/N 2: eRiiCa: Mufwafwafwafwa… fwa. So, I wonder who noticed our joke-tastical trick. We made it QUITE obvious. But for you spoil-sports who don't notice anything: Lily's initials, according to Hunter, spell LIE. Except, that's ALL fake information. Mufwafwafwafwafwa.

Super Shayde: Indeed. The majority of Hunter's speech in this story will be lying…Oh, and don't forget to go pick up your Lily Shrines, people! They're selling fast!

**James' Next Song:**

_I am going to sinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg.  
__Uh… singgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!  
__Until Lily comes back from what she's doingggggggg!  
__Maybe she'll even yell at meeeeeeee---inggggggggg!  
__I love it when she's mad and yellingggggggggggggg!  
__And I hope she doesn't catch me smellinggggggggg:  
__Her pillows and bedsheetsssss—inggggggggggggg!  
__I Will Shut Up NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW  
__If that's what you want me to doooooooooooooooo!  
__But all you have to doooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
__Is: REVIEW, REVIEW, REEEE-VIEWWWWWWW!_

**eRiiCa:** Well that was atrocious. How do I write crap like that?

**Super Shayde:** No offense, but on a scale of one to ten that got a NEGATIVE SIXTY-FOUR.

**Thanks To:** ultra-violet-catastrophy, sheltielover, Turtle4318, Silverhawk 27, Nocturne Namiax, elvengirl9, Remember Cedric Diggory, Hawiian Girl, princessavg, Rainbow26, CaleighBlack-SnowMarauder, rebellious socks, Val-Creative, AshleyPorter, emerald flamee, Celina Kay, brennQT, justanormalgirl357, Naoko Tasaki, watergal01, MOLLY

**Super Shayde**: In response to some of your questions and comments:

No, Daniel does not like Lily.

Remus and Peter will arrive later in the story, don't fret.

Lily will not go mad, hopefully. But she'll come close.

Dan has only appeared for about two seconds, so don't worry he's not a replica of James.

**eRiiCa**: And I will have Sirius sing. MuFwaFwaFwaFwaFwa….. Fwa.


End file.
